On August 1st we made the very tough decision to put down our beloved dog, Toby. He was 13, and my first pet I had owned from pup to old age. I enjoyed many years with him, and I still miss him. He was smart, he was loyal, and he was a protector of our family. It was really hard to see him age, and I admit I was not the most patient owner during his last few months. As he declined, it became more difficult for all of us, him included, but I could not find it in my heart to let him go. He would pass out if he ran, he started losing control of his bowels, but the final straw was his struggling to walk and being unable to shake water off of himself.
I cried all day that first of of August. Hannah had to comfort me. I was a complete wreck. I stayed in bed. I recounted every way I had failed him.
A few days later, a friend reminded me that I gave him 13 years of a great life, and that is a long life for a dog. I held on to that until it the pain in my chest did not feel so overwhelming. I made myself remember his greatness, how he loved me even when I was not the best owner.
On August 4th, unbeknownst to me, Amber was born. While she was solely reliant on her mother, I could not wrap my mind around owning another pet. Ever. As the weeks went by, my family's grief lessened and I adjusted to being petless, accepting that as my permanent state. Ironically, I combed puppies for sale, the exact same breed and color as Toby, as if simply looking eased the pain a little.
Lo and behold, both my husband and daughter started taking about getting another dog. I vetoed each request for a couple of weeks or so, but my resolve started weakening and I agreed to look at puppies, but I made no promises.
I met Amber on around September 20th. It was not love at first sight. In fact, I gravitated immediately to a puppy with a similar personality to Toby. But, that pup was not meant to be ours. Looking back, it is a good thing. Amber was the pup Ted liked? Hannah wanted a girl dog. I relented. Although I went into this with reluctance, it disappeared, and Amber snuggled up to me in the car on the way home.
That first night was hard. She was neither housebroken nor crate trained, so sleep was near impossible. At one point in the night, I looked into her puppy eyes and "saw" Toby. My grief returned briefly, a reminder that Amber will never replace Toby.
And she does not. She is the complete opposite of him. His bravery to her timidity. His high energy to her cuddling. His obedience to her stubborn streak. But, she is a great pet. She is her own being.
Someday I hope I can reflect on my years with Toby without tears (half this blog was written whilst I cried from missing him so much).
RIP Toby. I still love and miss you very much.
